2 posts tagged “apathy”
Thursday, February 8th, 2007.
Mood: blank, apathetic, numb
School:
Got my math midterm back. I did better than I should have, considering I didn't study and I hadn't payed any attention to any classes this semester. It was all from memory from when I was in engineering. My mark was above 60% (I'd have done better, but I got lost in the basement looking for the class so I lost about 10 minutes.)
Life:
I dunno, it's kinda odd. I haven't really been here lately. I've been here, but not _here_, you know? I haven't had much to talk about lately, nor have I created anything at all. It sucks because this always seems to happen. I'll get interested in something and then I'll become bored with it. This happened with drawing and web coding and writing stories. Most recently, I started getting into tracking (making music from samples, kinda like midi but better), and I was excited, but...
I guess it is sort of like writers block or something. Maybe a symptom of depression?
Programming:
Started on my biggest code thing yet.
It is still a pretty small project, but it is the biggest I've done (and it spans multiple files too).
I've been wondering how I should handle version tracking though. Any suggestions are welcome. (cause I'm working on this on different computers) PLZ ADVISE.
Networking:
I completed the first stage of my network rebuild the other day. I wish my switch was gigabit though. I figured out that I should use the 100mbps uplink port to connect to the router :D. I also learned how poorly my network was set up in the first place. Now that I have new knowledge, I can work on improving it. Of course, my server is currently not accessible from outside my network. But Pi figured out my problem with it and my mac! I was using a bad port :( (the one OSX uses for mDNS). He also helped me fix the code so that links work better. These are things I'll know to check for in the future.
I think it is getting pretty close to the point where I format EVERYTHING and rebuild the entire network from scratch. My filesystem is absolute shit. Duplicate files, no organization, arg! It makes backing up stuff to be a pain in the ass (I still do though, but I want to make it easier for myself because I am lazy). (And trying to FIND a file... good luck with that). I've been wanting to add a fileserver with raid for a while, and I think I will once I have the money. I also want to get my server to the point where I have some redundancy and can do hosting for people. (Probably have a pair of servers and using the freebsd jail system). Of course, I need to get bigger upload, but yeah, some day. Oh, also, anyone know of any GPL software that can manage SNMP?
I know it kinda seems overkill for a network that is essentially the network in my room, but I like playing with these things, I like learning computer and network things. One of my systems probably needs to be replaced pretty soon. I suspect that when it's northbridge fan died, the chip got slightly damaged. This might explain the memory errors I had been encountering.
Wow, this entry is getting huge. For someone who had nothing to say, I sure said a lot. Thanks to anyone who read this all.
Oh! before I forget, send me love plz:
And now, cause I luff you all so much, more stuff about me (PS: I stole it from Kiwi):
A - AVAILABLE: fgsfds
B - BIRTHDAY: Jan 5th
C - CRUSHING: yep
D - DRINK YOU LAST HAD: French Vanilla Cappuccino
E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: hmmm... Cori, Dani, Mel, and Laura are pretty easy to talk to. Although I rarely get to talk to them.
F - FAVORITE BAND: Either 'The Paper Chase' or 'Freezepop'. Perhaps both.
G - GUMMY BEARS OR GUMMY WORMS: I DUNNO :( Either would be nice.
H - HOMETOWN: Edmonton
I - INSTRUMENT: ummm... I'm musically challenged. I do fancy the guitar and piano though. I was singing along with music last night while I coded.
J - JUGGLE: Sorry, I am unable to.
K - KILLED SOMEONE: Not yet.
L - LONGEST CAR RIDE: I do not remember.
M - MILKSHAKE FLAVOR: Hmm... I do like mint milkshakes a lot. (Rootbeer ones are awesome though)
N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: 2.
O - ONE WISH: To be with the ones I love.
P - PERSON WHO CALLED YOU: Think that would be Laura
Q - QUACK?: wut
R - REASON TO SMILE: Love
S - SONG YOU LAST HEARD: Love Inc. - Broken Bones
T - TIME YOU WOKE UP: Not sure. 6:15 am, maybe? (I wouldn't really consider myself awake though)
U - UNDERWATER OR OVER: Over. I am not good at the swimming, and I prefer to not drown on most occasions.
V - VEGETABLE YOU HATE: WHAT! HATE VEGETABLES!? THIS IS BLASPHEMY! I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I WORK WITH VEGETABLES AND THEY ARE QUITE GOOD. ASDFHJKL!!!!!!
W - WORST HABIT: Being shy, :( not taking opportunities when I can, not thinking before I act.
X - X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD: Well, I had X-rays that indicated I had broken my collar bone and it healed before I even knew. And I've had the dental X-rays.
Y - YOUR LAST CANDY: WHAT! I DO NOT EAT CANDY I HAVE TO WATCH MY GIRLISH FIGURE!
Z - ZODIAC SIGN: I'm the one in January, you know? The one that looks like a goat or something. Oh, right, Capricorn. I think.
January 16th, 2007.
8:05 am
Mood: meh
Tired.
So very very tired.
Whiny/emo stuff that no one really cares about so I dunno why I'm including it but whatever:
Sometimes I wish I could be a computer. A cold, emotionless, logical box. As opposed to inhabiting this fragile mortal coil. Logic is beautiful. It is predictable. My reasoning and thoughts are so very easily influenced by minor chemical changes. Given identical data sets, I can arrive at many different conclusions simply due to my mood. Computers don't get tired. My server is nearing 300 days of uptime and it hasn't complained. It hasn't written whiny journals. It hasn't procrastinated, nor has it agonized over relationships.
But, without emotions, I doubt life would be worth living. Without experiencing the depths of suffering, the euphoric highs would be meaningless. Without emotion, I wouldn't even feel those highs.
I guess what prompted this was how I felt this morning. I just didn't see the point of getting out of bed. I've been pretty snappy and irritable lately too. I often compare myself with a sinusoidal function. My mood has a tendency to change frequently. It is hard to describe how I feel right now. Currently, I'm having difficulty focusing on anything at all. I have basically no motivation what so ever. I feel incredibly tired yet restless at the same time. I don't want to be around people, but I don't want to be alone. It sorta feels like depression, but I feel too numb, too blank at the moment to be certain.
I haven't been doing my homework. I -know- better than this. I keep telling myself I'll do it, but I don't. I haven't been paying attention in class. Why am I paying to be here when I don't even care anymore? At my current rate, I won't complete the program.
I don't want to work in produce all my life; I don't want to be in school. I want to work with computers and networking equipment. But every day, it just gets harder and harder to get up.
