5 posts tagged “emo”

Some of you may have noticed that I haven't been around much.  Or that I've been around but not 'here'.  I dunno if this will make any sense whatsoever but I'll try.
(Please note that this will likely be tl;dr and not very interesting in the slightest but I feel I have to write it down.)
Also, I had completely lost the will to blog so I'm not sure why I had the urge to write this, but I guess from the depths of depression comes my best inspiration.

Initially it was because I met a truly wonderful person.  And the internet just wasn't interesting when I was around her.  As much as I love her, there is no future for us.  Because she has chosen someone else.

It's never me apparently.  I'm a "wonderful person who deserves better".  I hear that way too much.  I don't want better.  I want you.  Not anyone else.  And since everyone is unique, I'll never find anyone else exactly like her.  No one with the same traits, personality, flaws, and awesomeness.

Now, I knew it was coming.  I knew this would happen when I got into the relationship in the first place.  But I tried to follow a friends advice and live for today.  Not worry about the future.  To be quite honest, I have no regrets.

I guess it's getting to the point where I wonder why I even bother.  Why try to love?  Why expose myself to more pain?  Throughout elementary school and highschool, I was in a shell.  I was curled up inside my mind.  At recess and lunch, I'd just read instead of playing with others.  And then I'd hate them for excluding me.  Even though I was the one excluding myself by not trying to be included.  At nights, I couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop my mind from racing.  I didn't know how miserable I was making myself by lying to myself and telling myself I needed no one.  So I'd read till I passed out from exhaustion.  I used to read so much.  Then I switched to pills to knock myself out.
University changed me, however.  In many ways.  The first is that it broke me out of my shell.  I did a complete 180.  Suddenly, instead of loathing all other people, I was longing to be with them.  Also, it was like a barrier was removed and suddenly, I had emotions.  I never had them before.  I was just numb.  And once I had them, I wished I could make them go away.  The second way it changed me was by failing, it destroyed the remnants of my self confidence.  At this point, I felt lonely and needed to be with people.  But due to poor social skills, I'd just sit at home drinking and feeling sorry for myself.
I also had this tendency to get attached to people and then get absolutely crushed by them.  It's happened so many times you'd think I'd learn, but I don't.  I've been lied to so many times and had my head screwed around with by so many people that I am paranoid and freak out pretty easily.  I also have a codependency issue (that people keep making worse, IMHO) ( n.b. see, I always try to blame others for my own problems.)
I feel like I don't belong anywhere, not even in my family.  I've felt it for a while now.  And I think subconsciously, I am pushing my parents to the point of kicking me out so I have an excuse to leave and yet I can still whine about how it is their fault.

When I got home from work yesterday, I was feeling pretty pathetic.  And suddenly, I was numb.  I became objective, which happens with me from time to time.  And my brain started digging up things I had buried for a quite some time.  I lay there thinking for about 2 hours before talking to anyone at all.  Some things, I pushed to the back of my mind, like how my actions affect others.  But I couldn't stop the cascade of thought.  Of course, being the way I am, once I realized how my actions were affecting others, I tried to bury it again, before my consciousness realized how horrible a person I've been.  But then I had an epiphany about some things which lead to an epiphany about other things.  And I realized that I've been withdrawing into my shell again. If it continues, I'll probably seem cold and heartless like I used to be, years ago.  That is, if I'm even still on the net.

A while ago, I decided to stop taking my antidepressants.  They never fix the problem.  Just like when I used to be alcoholic.  When I used to drink and take pills and pass out or cry myself to sleep.  All my problems would still be there, louder and more painfully bright than ever.  I have this tendency to run from my problems.
Of course this never solves anything, but I do it anyway.  And I see myself ending up alone, isolated by my own actions, either on the street or in a psych ward.  Well, that is one of a few possibilities.  But being alone, being away is the likely one.

So what I'm basically saying is that I'm putting myself through my own personal hell, and there is nothing anyone can do to help me.  If I emerge from these cleansing fires, then maybe I'll be a better person.  If not, I'll die.  I guess it's a win win situation.

I realize now why I felt so compelled to write this and post it.  Because otherwise, I'd just end up burying it again.

Title: a mood swing
Date: March 5th, 2007
Mood: nrrrrrrrrrrrr, uggggghhhhh, down, up

To my adoring and lovely people:

Day didn't get off to the best start.  I had a really hard time getting up.  I felt sick and every time I moved, I was overcome by dizziness.  Partly, it was my own fault.  I had a hard time sleeping so I ended up calling some people because I was feeling lonely.  My appetite was gone again too, but I forced myself to eat one of those small things of yogurt because I have a midterm today.  

The midterm is going to be difficult.  I don't know the material.  At all.
I'm not sure why I keep doing this to myself.  I don't have anywhere else to go.  If I fail here, I'm SOL.  And I'll be kicked out of my house.

My eyes sting and I feel like hiding somewhere and crying, but I can't afford to do that.

On the more positive side of things, I ripped a bunch of my CDs and updated my iPod.  And I'm currently listening to some of them.  I haven't heard a lot of these songs for a while and they are really good.  A few of them are by local artists.  And if they aren't already on last.fm, I will add them, or tag or whatever.

So in a move that may seem counter-productive, I'm sitting in the foodcourt of a mall, with a huge coffee.  I can't make my first class anyway, and the coffee might help my mood slightly.  

I'm sipping it slowly, because I'm still not feeling 100% but I am starting to feel a little better.

About half way done now (it is 'venti' size) and... I'm feeling even better, but still bad.  I'm thinking I should bring my iPod speakers to class tomorrow and annoy my classmates with music.  (they are this really nifty clamshell thing and it is loud and self powered and has really good base.)

I did a little reading yesterday.  Took 'Altered Carbon' from the shelf and flipped to the last fifth of the book and read from there.  I've read the whole story before and reading that part again was exciting.  

omgwtfbbq I need bass.  I need bass badly.  One of my favorite dance/techno/rave CDs is on.  mmmmmmm yeah!  This boosts my mood!
Also, I think the caffeine is kicking in.

Well, even more time has passed and I can feel an adrenaline rush.  The surge of caffeine and adrenaline coursing through my veins.  I love how I can go from emo to super awesome high (I call this feeling my coders high, but I used to get it when I was training in martial arts too) in a matter of minutes.  (took me maybe 30 minutes)  Of course, it works both ways and the crash will probably be pretty hard.  I'll have to remember to grab a couple more coffees before I write my exam.

These headphones need to be louder.  They are cranked but I need more!
Shame the electronics stores aren't open yet.  

Now, to find some internets so I can shove this content through the tubes!

Hmmmm.... there are lots of business people around here.  Lol, I am so trendy!  wearing my black shirt and drinking a fancypants coffee and using a mac and listening to an iPod.   (yes, I am laughing at myself, lol)

The initial rush has subsided a little bit, leaving me in a pleasant mood.
Time to head to class.
luffles for everyone!!!

PS:  Anyone with mac experience out there?
I need wireless with better range than the stock airport card in this iBook G4 12".
Preferably USB if possible and capable of all the fun stuff ;) (packet capturing, packet injection, etc.).  It needs to work with mac OSX tiger.  And it needs really good range... or be able to be easily modified for long range.  Please let me know.  You can email me at nikuramon (at) gmail (dot) com. Thanks in advance.  

Date: Feb 23, 2007
Mood: Very unsatisfied, depressed, tired, lonely, missing you, hurt

*sighs* This has definately been a crappy reading week.
I hate school and work so much.  And not just my own school, but the fact that school has stolen the most important person from me.
I started to plan out/write some poetry in my head lastnight at work.  I'm not sure if I'll ever actually post it, but I may.  It's shitty how when I have time to hang out with people, they don't have time for me.  I understand that school needs to be peoples priority, but that doesn't take away the pain.
All I've really managed to acomplish this reading week was annoy someone and be depressed.
Apparently, wanting to be with people, wanting to be loved, and wanting to talk to them is too much.   Fuck, I'm sick of this.  I've been feeling so empty lately.  I manage to feel ok for short periods of time, but I'm ALWAYS draged back down to this.  *sighs* and since everyone is too busy to talk, I'm reduced to writing journal entries that will either be dissmissed as emo crap or likely not even read in the first place.  I've been increasingly asking myself why I'm even bothering with the internet in the first place.  It's the cause of most of my pain, yet I'm addicted to it, and it is also the source of my rare, but pleasant joy.  The poems I've been thinking of all seem to have a common theme, holding you in my arms.  Fuck I just want to fall asleep in your arms, to be with you, share life with you.  I miss your voice, I miss the sounds you make.
Dammit, I can't even think straight anymore.  
I tried to keep myself busy earlier, tried to do some coding... but I kept thinking of you.
Work has been shitty because they have been cutting shifts so I have to do the work of 3 people.  They called me up, cause they need me to work tonight...
I agreed to go because I'm gonna feel like crap regardless, atleast if I'm at work I can't be a nuissance to you.
But it makes me sad because you'll either be asleep when I get home or busy.  And if you aren't, you'll probably be talking to someone else instead.

Fuck, it's like I'm half writing an email and half writing a journal.

(to everyone who is confused, I don't even care anymore and it doesn't matter who 'you' is fuck I dunno even why I'm posting this, fuck fuck fuck.)

January 16th, 2007.

8:05 am

Mood: meh

Tired.

So very very tired.

Whiny/emo stuff that no one really cares about so I dunno why I'm including it but whatever:

Sometimes I wish I could be a computer.  A cold, emotionless, logical box.  As opposed to inhabiting this fragile mortal coil.  Logic is beautiful.  It is predictable.  My reasoning and thoughts are so very easily influenced by minor chemical changes.  Given identical data sets, I can arrive at many different conclusions simply due to my mood.  Computers don't get tired.  My server is nearing 300 days of uptime and it hasn't complained.  It hasn't written whiny journals.  It hasn't procrastinated, nor has it agonized over relationships.  

But, without emotions, I doubt life would be worth living.  Without experiencing the depths of suffering, the euphoric highs would be meaningless.  Without emotion, I wouldn't even feel those highs.

I guess what prompted this was how I felt this morning.  I just didn't see the point of getting out of bed.  I've been pretty snappy and irritable lately too.   I often compare myself with a sinusoidal function.  My mood has a tendency to change frequently.  It is hard to describe how I feel right now.  Currently, I'm having difficulty focusing on anything at all.  I have basically no motivation what so ever.  I feel incredibly tired yet restless at the same time.  I don't want to be around people, but I don't want to be alone.  It sorta feels like depression, but I feel too numb, too blank at the moment to be certain.

I haven't been doing my homework.  I -know- better than this.  I keep telling myself I'll do it, but I don't.  I haven't been paying attention in class.  Why am I paying to be here when I don't even care anymore?  At my current rate, I won't complete the program.  

I don't want to work in produce all my life; I don't want to be in school.  I want to work with computers and networking equipment.  But every day, it just gets harder and harder to get up.